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July 2, 2006 · 2:53 pm

A love story that travels back in time

Nobody doubts as Woody Allen, one of most notable filmmakers living the American firmament and one of the world's most renowned, is a man of culture. Musician, writer, philosopher, his thought continues to impact contemporary society. The text published today was taken from just you (Nothing but you, Love Stories from The New Yorker), a selection of articles published in the magazine The New Yorker , that was edited by Roger Angell in 1977.

The text of Woody Allen (written in 1970) could well have turned into a film of this director, lover of cultural paradoxes mingle and generate occurrences that can be understood as universal dilemmas. A Jewish professor at New York, under pressure from an unhappy marriage and bills and eagerly seeks to maintain a relationship with a beautiful woman. The destination will make this desire a reality. But never forget that life always hurts ...

The Kugelmass Episode
Woody Allen
Professor Kugelmass, who he taught humanities at City College, was unhappily married for the second time. His wife, Daphne Kugelmass, was an idiot. He also had two children from his first wife fools, Flo, and was up to his neck in debts caused by the costs of separation and child support.
"Have I knew things were going to go so wrong?" Lamented one days Kugelmass addressing his analyst. "Daphne was very promising. Who would suspect that she would get fat as abandoned and barrel? In addition, she had some dolarillos, what is not - of course - reason enough to get married but does not hurt, considering the problems "operating" that I have. Do you understand what I mean?
Kugelmass was bald and as hairy as a bear, but had a big heart.
"I have to find another woman, " he added. "I need to have an affair. It may not be a good match but I am a man who needs to live a romance.
I need to feel tenderness, flirting with someone. I'm getting old and therefore too late to feel the desire to make love in Venice, make fun of each other in the "21" and exchange coy glances over a glass of red wine at candlelight. Do you understand what I mean?''
Dr. Mandel shifted in his chair and said: "It will not solve anything with an affair. You are very unrealistic. Their problems are much more serious. "
"I have a very discreet", still thinking aloud Kugelmass. "I can not afford to divorce a second time. Daphne I would throw in my face "
"Mr. Kugelmass - "
"But you can not be with anyone at City College because Daphne also works there. In fact, no teacher at the college worth much, but some of the students ... "
"Mr. Kugelmass - "
"Help me. Last night I had a dream. I was in a meadow and I suddenly jumped up with a food basket and the basket had a sign that read "Options". Then I realized that the basket had a hole. "
"Mr. Kugelmass, the worst thing you can do is to thus represent their inhibitions. You should simply express your feelings to discuss them together. You've been in treatment long enough to know that no instant remedies. After all, I'm an analyst, not a magician. "
"Then perhaps you need to be a magician, " Kugelmass said, rising from his seat. And thus ended his therapy.
Some weeks later, Kugelmass and Daphne were moping around her apartment like old furniture. Suddenly, the phone rang. It was night.
"I'll get it, " Kugelmass said. "Hello".
¨ Kugelmass?, Was overheard on the phone. "Kugelmass, Persky speaks."
"Persky, or should I say" The Great Persky? "
"I have heard that is in search of a wizard that gives an exotic note to your life. Is not that so? "
"Chis!, Kugelmass whispered. "Do not hang. Where are you calling Mr. Persky? "
The next day, in the afternoon, Kugelmass climbed the stairs of a decrepit apartment building located in the area of ​​Bushwick, Brooklyn. Straining his eyes to break the dark hallway, Kugelmass finally found the door he sought, and rang the bell. I'm sorry, he thought to himself.
Seconds later, he was greeted by a small, thin man, with a glazed look.
Are you Persky the Great?, Kugelmass said.
"The Great Persky. Want a cup of tea?
"No. I want to live a romance. I want to feel the music, love and beauty ".
"But it does not take tea. Oh? Is rare. Okay, have a seat. "
Persky got up and went to the back room. Kugelmass heard movement of boxes and furniture. Persky reappeared, pushing a large object mounted on skates with wheels screeching. Persky took some old silk scarves that were in the top and blew off the dust. It was a bad lacquered Chinese cabinet and rough appearance.
"Persky", what's up?, Kugelmass asked.
"Pay attention, " he said Persky. "This will produce a beautiful effect. I designed last year for a ceremony of the Knights of Pythias, but the act was suspended for lack of public. Enter the cabinet ".
"Why? Is it going to go through it with a lot of swords or something?
Do you see any sword?
Kugelmass made a face of circumstances and a groan was introduced in the closet. The teacher could not help but notice several diamond imitations of poor quality plywood glued on right in front of your face. "This is a bad joke, " he said.
"It has something of a joke. Well, I hear what you say. If I throw a novel into cabinet in which you are in, close the door and knocked three times, you will be projected in that book. "
Kugelmass made a gesture of disbelief.
"It's my magic wand, " said Perksy. "My contact with God. It only works with novels. It can be a story, a play, a poem. You will meet some of the women created by the best writers in the world. Whatever the woman of his dreams. You can do whatever you want like a real winner. Then, when you have lived enough experiences, screams and instantly return here.
"Persky, Are you sick?
"I'm telling you everything will be fine, " said Persky.
Kugelmass remained skeptical. What you want me to say is that I can carry home box as you described it to me?
"For just $ 20".
Kugelmass reached for his wallet. "Seeing is believing, " he said.
Persky kept the money in their pockets and went to his library Who do you know? What Sister Carrie? Hester Prynne?? Ophelia? ¨ Perhaps some character of Saul Bellow? How about a meeting with Temple Drake? Even for a man of his age, it would be a very difficult test "
"A one French. I want to have an affair with a French lover "
"I do not want to pay for it."
How about Natacha of War and Peace
"I told him that a Frenchwoman. I know! How about Emma Bovary? It seems perfect. "
"Okay, Kugelmass. Glue a shout when sick ".
Persky introduced in the closet for a paperback of Flaubert's novel.
"Are you sure this does not involve any risk?" Kugelmass asked as Persky began to close the cabinet doors.
"Sure. Is there anything safe in this crazy world? "Persky played three times the closet and then opened wide the doors.
Kugelmass was gone. At that moment, appeared in the bedroom of the house of Charles and Emma Bovary in Yonville. Before him was a beautiful woman, standing with her back to Kugelmass while folding lingerie. I can not believe it, Kugelmass thought, looking at the doctor's wife captivating. This is something supernatural. I'm here with her.
Emma turned surprised. "My God, it scared me, " he said. "Who are you?" Emma spoke in perfect Spanish and the translation that appeared in paperback Persky.
This is amazing, thought Kugelmass. Then, realizing that it was he, whom she had gone, he replied: "Sorry. I'm Sidney Kugelmass, the City College. I am Professor of Humanities at New York university, located on the outskirts of the city. I ... I can not believe it!
Emma Bovary smiled flirtatiously and asked: "Do you want a drink? Maybe a glass of wine?
She's beautiful, Kugelmass thought. What a difference from the troglodyte with which it shares the bed! He felt a sudden urge to take her in his arms and tell her that this vision was the kind of woman he had dreamed all his life.
"Yes, a little wine, " he said hoarsely. "White. No, red. No, blank. A glass of white wine. "
"Charles will be out all day, " said Emma, ​​insinuating voice.
After wine, went for a walk along the charming French countryside. "I had always dreamed of a mysterious stranger would appear and rescue me from this boring monotony of rural existence, " confided Emma, ​​taking her hand. They passed a small church. "I love the clothes you wear, " he muttered. "I've never seen a suit like that. It's so ... so modern ".
"They call it casual outfit, " he told Kugelmass romantic voice. "I was on offer". Suddenly, he kissed her. For over an hour, were lying under a tree, whispering in his ear phrases and deep thoughts expressed significant with their looks. Then joined Kugelmass. He had just remembered that he had to meet Daphne at Bloomingdale's. "I must go, " he said. "But do not worry, I will."
"I hope so, " said Emma.
Kugelmass gave a passionate embrace and the two walked back home. Emma's face cradled in the palms of her hands, kissed her again and shouted, "That's enough, Persky". I have to be at Bloomingdale's at half past three. "
There was a thud and returned to Brooklyn Kugelmass.
"And then? Would you lie?, Persky asked triumphantly.
"Persky, I'm late to meet my wife at Lexington Avenue. But when I can travel again? Tomorrow?
"Sure. You should only bring $ 20. And do not mention this to anyone. "
"Of course. Just call to Rupert Murdoch ".
Kugelmass took a taxi headed for the city. His heart was beating wildly. I'm in love, he thought, and I have in my possession a wonderful secret. What he had not realized was that at that very moment students from various classrooms of the country you were asking their teachers: "Who is this character on page 100?". A bald Jew is kissing Madame Bovary? A teacher from Sioux Falls, South Dakota, sighed and thought, my God, the things that happen to these guys. That is the fault of marijuana and cocaine.
Daphne Kugelmass was in the bathroom accessories department at Bloomingdale's when Kugelmass arrived breathlessly. "Where were you gone?" Asked annoyed. "It's four-thirty."
"There was so much traffic on the street, " Kugelmass apologized.
The next day he visited Kugelmass Persky and within minutes had gone to travel magically Yonville. Emma could not hide his excitement at the sight. They spent several hours together, laughing and talking about their lives. Before Kugelmass departed, they made love. God, I slept with Madame Bovary! "He hissed. "I, who was a freshman Spanish scraped".
The months passed and Kugelmass Persky went to visit many times and developed an intimate and passionate relationship with Emma Bovary. "Make sure you always enter the book before page 120" Kugelmass said one day the wizard. "Whenever I have to meet her before Emma comes into contact with the character of Rodolphe"
"Why? Can not you win? "
"Beating?". He belongs to the landed gentry. Those guys have nothing better to do than flirt with women and horse riding. We could say that he is one of those faces that appears in the journal Women's Wear Daily, a style haircut Helmut Berger. However, Emma is an irresistibly gallant ".
"And her husband does not suspect anything?"
"He does not know where he stands. Mediocre is a paramedic who shares his life with a dancer. Always ready for bed at ten as she puts on her dancing shoes. Well ... see you later. "
Kugelmass entered the closet and went instantly to the Bovary house in Yonville. How are you doing, my dear?, Told Emma.
Oh, Kugelmass!, Emma whispered. "The things that I have to endure. Last night while having dinner, Mr. Personality he slept while we ate dessert. I was expressing all my feelings about Maxim's and ballet and unexpectedly heard a snore ".
"Do not worry, my love. I'm here with you, "Kugelmass said, hugging her. I've earned it the hard way, he thought, French perfume smelled Emma and buried his nose in the hair of his beloved. I suffered a lot. I spent a lot of money on analysts. I searched endlessly. She is young and nubile and I'm here, a few pages after Leon and just before Rodolphe. As I appeared in the appropriate chapters, I have handled the situation perfectly.
In fact, Emma radiated so much happiness as Kugelmass. She was anxious emotions and the stories she told Kugelmass on Broadway nightlife, fast cars and stars of television and Hollywood, enraptured with the beautiful French girl.
"Tell me about OJ Simpson, " implored one night, as she and Kugelmass strolled near Abbey Bournisien.
"What I can say? It's a great athlete. Has a lot of brands such as American football running back. Have a big move. It is very difficult to play it. "
"And what about the Academy Awards?" Emma asked wistfully. "I would give anything to win an Oscar."
"First of all you get a nomination."
"I know. You you explained. But I'm convinced that I can act. Of course, I would like to take some classes. Maybe with Strasberg. Then, if I had the right agent .... ".
"We'll see, we'll see. Persky talk to. "
That night, after returning safely to the magician's apartment, Kugelmass proposed the idea of ​​Emma brought with him to visit the Big Apple.
"Let me think, " Persky said. "Maybe I could do something about it. Stranger things have happened. " Of course, none of them came to mind them no.
************************************************** ***********************
ónde diablos has estado metido todo este tiempo?”, le gritó Dafne Kugelmass a su marido cuando él volvió tarde a su casa. "W here the hell have you been all this time?" Daphne Kugelmass yelled to her husband when he returned home late. "You have a hole in which you get drunk on the sly?"
"Yes, of course. I'm a drunk, "Kugelmass said in a tone of reluctance. "I was with Leonard Popkin. We were discussing socialist agriculture in Poland. You know very well Popkin. He's a fanatic about it. "
"You have been very rare in recent times, " said Daphne. "Distant. You do not forget my father's birthday. It's Saturday, right?
"Yeah, sure, " Kugelmass said, heading to the bathroom.
"It will go my whole family. We see the twins. And the cousin Hamish. You should be nicer to the cousin Hamish. He likes you. "
"Yes, morochos" Kugelmass said, closing the bathroom door and turning with it the voice of his wife. The teacher leaned against the door and took a deep breath. Within hours, he told himself, would Yonville, to be with his beloved. And this time, if all went according to plan, it would bring Emma along.
At 3:15 pm the next day, Persky again performed his magic act. Kugelmass appeared to Emma, ​​smiling and anxious. They spent several hours with Binet Yonville then mounted on the carriage of Bovary. Following the instructions Persky, hugged tightly, closed her eyes and counted to ten. When opened, the carriage was near the side door of the Hotel Plaza, where Kugelmass had booked the same day and with great optimism, a suite.
"Love it!, Is just as I had dreamed, " said Emma as she jumps for joy around the room and saw the city from the window. "There is Schwarz. And there I see Central Park and what is Sherry? Ah, there it is. It's great!
In bed had several boxes of Halston and Saint Laurent. Emma opened one of them and pulled out a pair of black velvet pants that stood before his perfect body.
"Those pants are from Ralph Lauren" Kugelmass said. "You'll look great. Come on, honey. Give me a kiss ".
"I had never been so happy, " Emma yelled as he stood before the mirror. "Let's walk around the city. I want to go see the musical "Chorus Line", visit the Guggenheim and see the Jack Nicholson character who always told me about. "Are they showing any of his films?"
"I can not understand what is happening, " said a Stanford professor. "First of all, I get a strange character named Kugelmass, and now she has disappeared from the site. I guess the main feature of a classic is that you can reread it a thousand times and always find something new. "
************************************************** ***********************
os amantes pasaron un dichoso fin de semana. T he spent a blissful lovers weekend. Kugelmass had told Daphne he was going to participate in a symposium in Boston and would return on Monday. Savoring every moment, Kugelmass and Emma went to the movies, had dinner in Chinatown, spent two hours in a nightclub and went to bed watching a movie on TV. On Sunday slept until noon, visited SoHo, and looked askance at a group of celebrities who were at Elaine's. They ate caviar and drank champagne in their suite on Sunday night and talked until dawn. That morning in the taxi that took them Persky's apartment, Kugelmass thought it was a crazy thing but it was worth living. I can not get her very often, but having it in New York from time to time represent a significant change regarding Yonville.
In Persky house, Emma was introduced in the closet, arranged their new boxes of clothes and gave her a tender kiss to Kugelmass. "This will be my place next time, he said with a wink. Persky played three times the closet, but nothing happened.
"This ..." Persky said, scratching his head. He touched the furniture again, but the magic did not work. "Something is going wrong, " he muttered.
"Persky, you're kidding, " shouted Kugelmass. "How could you not work?".
"Calm down. Are you still in there, Emma?
Persky hit the cabinet, this time with more force.
"I'm still here, Persky".
"I know, dear. Do not move. "
"Persky, we have to make it back, " Kugelmass whispered. "I'm married, and I have class in three hours. Right now, I'm just ready for a very discreet affair ".
"I can not understand what is happening, " he murmured Persky. "It's a trick so simple and reliable."
However, he could do nothing. "This is going to take some time, " he told Kugelmass. "I'm going to disassemble the cabinet. I'll call you later. "
Kugelmass Emma threw in a taxi and took her back to the Plaza. He could hardly be on time to class. The whole day was phoning Persky and his mistress. The magician said he might have to spend a few days before I could get to the bottom of the problem.
"How did it go at the symposium?" Daphne asked that night.
"Very well, very well, " replied the husband, lighting a cigarette butt.
"What's wrong? You are very tense. "
"Me?" Ha, ha, that's a joke. I'm as calm as a summer night. I'm going out for a walk. " Carefully closed the door, called a taxi that took him to the Plaza.
"I'm in trouble, " said Emma. "Charles will miss me."
"Have patience, love, " Kugelmass said. He was pale and sweaty. He kissed her again, ran to the elevator, Persky desperately called from a phone booth in the lobby of Plaza and arrived home shortly before midnight.
"According to Popkin, barley prices in Krakow had not shown much stability since 1971, " said Daphne as cracked a smile and lie beside her.
************************************************** *********************
oda la semana transcurrió igual. T oda the week went well. On Friday night, Kugelmass told Daphne he would participate in another conference, this time in Syracuse. He shot at the Plaza, but the second weekend did not resemble anything like the first. "Take me back to the novel or marry me, " Emma told Kugelmass. "Meanwhile, I want to get a job or study because I'm tired of watching TV all day."
"Sounds good. We may use the money, "Kugelmass said. "You're spending a fortune ordering room service the hotel".
"Yesterday I met an Off Broadway producer in Central Park and he said he would fit perfectly in a project being undertaken" said Emma.
"Who is this clown?" Kugelmass asked.
"Not a clown. It is a sensitive, friendly and cute. Jeff ... something is called and is a candidate for a Tony Award. "
That same afternoon, Kugelmass Persky went to visit while intoxicated.
"Calm down, " said the magician. "You can get sick of the coronary arteries."
"Calm down, How calm I will if I have to a fictional character hiding in a hotel and I think my wife is following me with a private detective?"
"Okay. I know we're in a problem, "Persky crawled under the cabinet and began to hit something with a wrench.
"I look like a wild animal, " continued Kugelmass. "Ando sneaking around town and Emma and I are tired of the relationship. Not to mention the hotel bill already looks to the defense budget. "
"What I can do? Such is the world of magic, "muttered Persky. "It's all shades".
"Nuances, my ass. This girl is all that consumes Dom Perignon and caviar. To this we must add their wardrobe, enrollment at the Neighborhood Playhouse and professional photo portfolios. Besides that, Persky, Professor Fivish Popkind, who teaches comparative literature and has always been jealous of me, identified me as the character who appears sporadically in the book of Flaubert. He threatened me that he will tell everything to Daphne. Now I am ruined, paying alimony to my wife, and in prison. For the sin of adultery with Madame Bovary, my wife become a beggar.
"What can I say?"'m Working day and night to solve the problem. With respect to his distress, I can not do anything for you. I'm a magician, not a psychoanalyst. "
On Sunday afternoon, Emma had locked himself in the bathroom and refused to respond to Kugelmass's entreaties. The professor looked troubled building window Wollman Rink and contemplated suicide. The trouble is that I am in a very low, he thought it not for this, I would throw in the act. It could also flee to Europe and start a new life ... Maybe I could sell the International Herald Tribune as they used to those girls.
At that moment the phone rang and mechanically Kugelmass brought him to his ear.
"Bring Emma" Persky said. "I think I had the defect repaired furniture."
Kugelmass's heart nearly stopped. Are you serious?, Told you able to fix it? "
"I had a transmission problem. Who would have guessed?
"Persky, you are a genius. We'll be there in a minute. In less than a minute.
Again lovers wizard ran to the apartment and again Emma Bovary was introduced in the closet with their boxes. This time there was no kissing. Persky shut the door, breathed heavily and touched the box three times. There was the usual noise and when Persky peered inside the cabinet was empty. Madame Bovary had returned to his novel. Kugelmass heaved a sigh of relief and warmly shook the hand of the magician.
"It's over, " he said. "I learned my lesson. I'll never be missing my wife. I swear it. " Again shook hand and vowed Persky mind that he was going to send a bowtie.
Three weeks later, at the end of a beautiful spring afternoon, Persky heard the doorbell and opened the door. It was Kugelmass, with a sheepish expression on his face.
"Okay, Kugelmass'' where you want to go now?
"Just once more, " Kugelmass said. "Time is so lovely and I'm getting old. Persky, have you read the book Portnoy's Complaint. Remember the character of the Monkey?
"Now the price is $ 25, since the cost of living has increased. However, the first time you can go for free, because of all the trouble I caused. "
"You it is good people, " Kugelmass said, while combing the few hairs he had left and into the closet. Is it working well? "
"I hope so. However, I have not tried much since this mess happened. "
"Sex and Romance" Kugelmass said from inside the closet. "What one has to do for a pretty face."
Persky launched into a copy of "Portnoy's Complaint" and played three times the box. This time, instead of making a thud, there was a slight explosion, followed by a series of crackling and a shower of sparks. Persky leaped back, suffered a heart attack and dropped dead. The furniture caught fire and eventually burned throughout.
Kugelmass, who had no knowledge of this catastrophe, was also in trouble. He had not gone to the book "Portnoy's Complaint" or any other novel on the same subject. The professor had been projected to an old textbook called "Spanish Basic Course" and was running on a barren, rocky terrain to save his life as the word have, a hairy and irregular verb, ran after him with its spindly legs .

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2012-05-18 17:54:57 by slwilsonphotograph

Searching for Locations

I'm a photographer starting on work on a rather large project. I'm searching for a couple of specific types of locations in and around Pittsburgh.
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I know it's a long shot posting here but I'm sort of at a loss. Any suggestions are appreciated.

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